Mindful (self-compassion) Moment
Imagine the last time you were feeling particularly bad or down about something you did. Maybe it was a mistake, but you messed up, and then you began to spiral. What were your immediate thoughts and feelings about that event?
Did it involve a sprinkle of…
Self-criticism (“I’m such an idiot”)?
Storytelling (“They think I’m inadequate...I’m going to get fired..and then I won’t be able to pay my bills..”)?
Pulling away and feelings of isolation (“Let me go crawl into a hole”)?
Lucky for you, you’re not alone. We all experience these thought patterns on a daily basis, however most of us aren’t even aware of it. When the stress response (fight-flight-freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we often turn against ourselves and resort to an “unholy trinity of reactions”: self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption (Neff & Germer.)
How does the “unholy trinity” activate our threat response system?
Self-criticism is our fight response and the anger that we turn against ourselves
Self-isolation is our flight response, where we want to pull back in whatever way possible
Self-absorption is our freeze response- just being stuck in a kind of paralysis where we ruminate and create unhelpful stories about ourselves and the future
So, what’s the antidote to this unholy trinity of reactions? It’s called self-compassion, and I’ve learned that it is the foundation for anything we do in life. However, it’s quite possibly one of the hardest qualities to consistently cultivate.
When you notice the “unholy trinity” of reactions arise, I want you to try these 3 steps of Mindful Self-Compassion:
1. When you feel self-critical, try to consciously practice self-kindness (think of what you would say to a friend who has come to you for advice. Hint: you probably wouldn’t be mean to them.).
2. When you feel self-isolation, practice common humanity- the awareness that we all have these experiences of loss and failure and you are not alone. Phrases such as “I am only human” or “This is a moment of suffering, everyone experiences suffering” can be very helpful during these moments.
3. When you feel self-absorbed, turn to mindfulness to bring your attention back to the present moment, instead of drowning in the narratives you’re creating in your mind (“Is this happening right here, right now, or am I replaying a past event?”).
Self-compassion may be hard to develop, particularly for those of us who are hard on ourselves, but it’s never too late to start. By developing self-compassion when we feel inadequate or down, it makes us feel safe and cared for (oxytocin and endorphins get released), like a child held in a warm hug. And who doesn’t need a warm hug? So, let’s try and practice some self-compassion today and share the love we give so freely to others, with ourselves.
Love always,
Yen <3