When the going gets tough, but the tough can’t get going…
It’s been a crazy few years to say the least. As we slowly resume back to our somewhat normal lives, we are all still struggling to adapt to this new life with COVID. Although I’ve had many low moments, the one silver lining for me was that I somehow managed to maintain a regular meditation practice, and that was one of my only salvations during the pandemic. However, not all of us can and want to do that, and that’s OK. It’s okay to not be okay and have your down moments, whether that lasts days or months.
What can we do during those moments when we don’t feel like being mindful or have zero motivation to keep going? We can offer ourselves some self-compassion. It may sound a bit cheesy or you may think it’s obvious or perhaps even that you’re undeserving of it. However, in today’s social media crazed world, we are constantly being bombarded with societal expectations (from body image- to productivity- to being a parent) and how we fail to meet those expectations on a daily basis. When you stop to hear some of the thoughts that run through your mind on a daily basis, you may begin to notice how harsh and self-critical you are. Unfortunately, this negative self-talk induces the stress hormone cortisol in your body. However, we can prevent that from happening by practicing self-compassion. Research demonstrates that individuals who consistently practice self-compassion are happier, less stressed and more resilient.
To understand self-compassion, it’s important to understand what compassion means. Compassion, or Karuna in Buddhism, is a state of mind or aspiration of wanting others to be free from suffering. To me, compassion does not mean having pity, or empathy, it’s actively striving to free one from suffering. When you turn that inwards, you have self-compassion, which means genuinely stopping and being aware of what you’re experiencing, asking yourself “What do I need in this moment?” rather than being critical, and lastly, remembering that everyone experiences moments of difficulty and you are not alone.
Let’s take a deeper look into each of the 3 components of self-compassion and how it can help you right now:
1) Mindfulness: Mindfulness in self-compassion involves recognizing when we’re struggling without being judgmental or over-reacting. Whether we’re experiencing sadness or happiness, it is our mental interpretation and analysis of every single thought, feeling and emotion that determines whether we will pass through these fluid times with ease or continue to struggle with it. Although it can be difficult to see the end of challenging emotions, mindfulness helps us to realize that every single thought and emotion is transient.
How might one even begin to be mindful when feeling over or underwhelmed? Good thing is that you don’t have to pull out your meditation cushion and start meditating for hours. Simply start by labeling your emotions in a neutral way: “Anger/Sadness/Guilt/Shame is here”, “I’m having the thought that _____”, “Anxiety has come to visit”, etc. This exercise is often referred to as “Name it to Tame it”. Studies have found that labeling our thoughts and emotions helps us to improve the emotional wiring in our brains, producing a relaxing effect in our body vs. a reactive effect, which in turn helps us detach from thoughts. The next time you’re feeling an emotion or thought, even if it’s a positive one, try this practice and see how you feel after.
2) Self-Kindness: The second component of self-compassion is self-kindness. Again, this seems quite obvious but our automatic reaction when we fail, suffer or feel inadequate is to be self-critical and say “Silly me!” rather than be supportive and understanding. Try being a supportive friend to yourself, and offer yourself a soothing touch and kind words, just as you would give advice to a dear friend when they are going through a difficult time. Individuals who practice self-compassion tend to be more gentle with themselves during times of distress rather than getting angry when things don’t pan out the way they expected. Although it’s common sense that we cannot always be what we want or get what we want in life, we often become infantile and try to fight against this obvious reality of life. Stress, frustration and many other difficult emotions arise when we try to resist the unpleasantries of life. However, when the reality of this is accepted with sympathy and kindness, emotional equanimity is developed.
3) Common Humanity: The last component of self-compassion is the one I have found most useful. Understanding that “This is a moment of suffering. Everyone experiences suffering.”- a common phrase used in Mindful Self-Compassion, is extremely simple but often overlooked. It is so common to feel alone in our struggles, to question “Why me?” and to feel that others are not in the same predicament as you. It can be even more difficult when everyone in your immediate surrounding seems to be doing well. However, it’s important to remind yourself that not everyone falls at the same time- and if they did, then how could we help each other get back up? It’s also good to be mindful when consuming the facades of social media and TV, which can amplify these feelings of isolation by projecting others’ perfect lives through the lens of a camera. By reminding yourself that you are not alone in your feelings and acknowledging that everyone experiences struggle and pain at some point in their life, can be extremely comforting. You, along with the entire world, do have the strength to push through.
If there’s anything that 2020 has taught us to do more of, I hope it has taught us to be vulnerable and talk about our mental health more openly. Being vulnerable is part of being human, and by developing self-compassion, it means that you honour and accept your humanness, flaws and all. Self-compassion sounds so simple, yet most of the time we are unwittingly practicing its opposite. Accepting our humanness means understanding that we will make mistakes, encounter obstacles, and experience failure, heartbreak and loss. However, this is all part of the human condition, something shared by all of us. The more you resist this, the more it will persist. So why not accept this reality and feel an investigative, compassionate curiosity towards yourself and all humans, unconditionally?
““When you start to feel like things should have been better this year, remember the mountains and valleys that got you here. They are not accidents. And those moments weren’t in vain. You are not the same. You have grown and are growing. You are breathing, You are living. You are wrapped in endless, boundless grace and things will get better. There is more to you than yesterday.””